We often focus on answers, without giving credit to the questions. I’m reading Conscious Parents, Conscious Kids (Bowman, Douglas and Heer) now. After reading the paragraphs below, I’m shifting my focus to the questions:
“How do you create more ease as a parent? You ask questions. You become a walking question. You ask your children things like, “Is there something else you could choose? What else is possible? Is there another way you could be with this? Hey kids, this doesn’t work for me. What else is possible?” Once you start asking, you–and your children–begin to receive information and difficult situations begin to change.
Children are brilliant. They want to make us happy and they have so much awareness and knowing to gift us. Everything can change when we stop parenting from limitation and begin to ask kids what they know that we don’t know, that if we did, would change our lives and create an extraordinary family.
When you, as a parent, are willing to always be in the question with your children, you find ways of handling things with greater ease. When you ask questions, situations don’t feel solid, heavy and hopeless. No issue or problem seems too big to solve.”
This message spoke to me at just the right time. My children have been irking each other more by pushing, hitting and taking things away from one another. After I read this, I immediately started implementing the question technique. It’s helped! I’ve been able to divert disruptive behavior by forcing Micha to pause as she tries to answer my questions. I asked her “Do you feel good being hit by Luca? (no) Do you think there’s something else you could do right now, like read a book or find another toy? (yes).” With that, she walked away from the situation and I didn’t get frustrated. In fact, I felt good empowering her to use her mind to come up with a better solution.
I’m still practicing, but I’m happy to have taken a step in the right direction. As a parent, we predict the screams and tears before they arrive. We “know” what the outcome of an interaction will be. We accept the outcome if we do nothing to provide change. However, by asking questions, we start to see change.
I don’t have to feel defeated by the same fights every day. Instead, I’ll keep the questions flowing to help Michaela and Luca think about their answers, reflecting on their actions. It’s good for me too. “How do I want to react? Is this something I need to get involved in? Does everything REALLY matter as much as I make it seem? What if I took a few deep breaths before saying anything? What expectations do I have that I can ease up on?”
Everyone appreciates a good answer. Now, I’m starting to appreciate a good question. What will you do this week to make a heavy situation lighter? Who can you ask questions to? What is going on in your life? What questions will you ask to try to make it better? Are you willing to try this out?
I hope so! I’d love to hear how it works for you 🙂
Have a great week.